fargate - ch 1

vala had always wanted to go to atlantis. she finally got her wish on april 11th, 2014 when the spaceship landry entered the atmosphere and she gave a big hug to samantha carter. now at the end of the trip, heading back abord the landry, she reflected on her time with the humans. she looked like one of them, she felt like one of them, she loved the kardashians and watching access hollywood (especially that fox, lara spencer). recently, she'd been reading up on asgard technology, as she herself found few missions or friends with the asgard. thor found her amusing, and never minded bailing her out. once he even got her out of jail after she snuck out of cheyenne mountain for a snack and ended up pissing off a cop by refusing to stop jaywalking across a freeway. she found the asgard language easy to read, and she liked the way the words flowed softly even in bright light. currently she was reading about the ancient asgard, wotan, and his fascination for an earth composer named richard wagner. opera wasn't something she liked much, but she'd been listening to wagner non-stop during her asgard reading, and found herself enjoying the music more and more. she also remembered a porn she saw starring velicity von and audrey hollander that was a take off on "the ring" called "the stinky pink ring" about primarily buttsex. while she saved her great love for buttsex for special people only, she greatly enjoyed earth porn. the goa'uld had nothing like it, and her people hadn't had very detailed or modern video recording equipment. she'd amassed quite a few terrabytes, as the sgc had the fattest of pipes and didn't give a damn about us copyright law. back at the sgc, she kept reading about music and art in asgard society, and she wondered about the extent of wraith music in the pegasus galaxy. she'd heard wraith screams remixed with some ethosian beats that was really awesome, and she'd snuck to dr dre on her last misadventure in compton. thankfully, she was mistaken for an undercover ke$ha, and her accent was pegged as a fake australian one. her rendition of "tik tok" was perfect, and she ended up winning a date with iggy pop for her performance. iggy had guest starred in an episode of "star trek: deep space 9", and his oddly-high security clearance allowed him to go through the gate with vala a few times. everywhere they went, he sang "the passenger" and "lust for life", and drew huge crowds. taurii music was sweeping the universe, and the jaffa were spearheading the movement to take earth artists to secret shows offworld where they were told it was a costume party and thus didn't notice the weird aliens. her favorite asgard artist drew pictures of cats from various worlds, often in silly positions or doing ridiculous things. "thor with kittens" was her current favorite and her desktop walpaper on her asus laptop. it featured the famous statesman reclining on an enormous asgard lioness, with special glow-striped kittens from the pegasus galaxy flopped on him. the picture as an homage to burt renolyds, particularly the portrait she once saw in a seattle eatery called zayda buddy's where he's reclining on a bearskin rug and has the rug strategically covering his private parts. it's absolutely fantastic. vala's art was ok, but very derivative. she most often got that her paintings looked like jacob lawrence or david hockney, and her reliance on fish-eye lenses made her photographs super-ridiculous. music was a slightly better field for vala, but her adhd nature made for completely manic soups of lound banging and honking. teal'c was her biggest fan. he enjoyed her art completely, and had his entire apartment outfitted with it. he listened to her music almost exclusively, and was always trying to catapult her to super-stardom across the worlds. fame had proven elusive for our raven-haired heroine. she was still wanted in so many systems that she constantly had to watch her back, and usually had armies of spies and counter-spies following her and reporting on her activity. her primary line of defense was her blog, and a pair of holographic generators. one would mask her identity, and the other would create a fake image of her that would shop and cruise around very visibly. she was so pissed that cameron mitchell had become a martial arts superstar, teal'c a veritable playboy, and daniel a spiritual guru to billions. under the moniker "val mulder" she'd successfully become a comic book writer, and often worked with grant morrison and as a ghost-writer on deadpool and wolverine. the next mission was supposed to be a recon one, heavy on the archaeology. they'd found a new civilization on a planet that was a hilarious parody of narn, klingon, and sasquatch mythology. it had a large focus on law, and the stargate was placed in the great library of the capitol city. they appeared to die via neutron-like radiation. all beings with higher thought capacity were gone, and teal'c believed them to be called the "the catheters" as they were referred to in silly stories jaffa children were told at fighting camp. they had created a type of music strongly similar to 70s rock and roll, and had fought off the goa'uld for generations by dressing like ziggy stardust and mimicing goa'uld powers that implied them to be tok'ra. the request for pink variations of the bdus had not been rejected outright, as the air force was becoming more lax and permissive when it came to gate travel and dress style. teal'c enjoyed the pink uniform, again sticking by vala's wacky ideas as he always did. "teal'c, do you really want to wear bright pink in a warzone?" asked daniel. "indeed" he answered. "our missions rarely take us into dangerous situations, daniel jackson, and most of our enemies run from us the minute they get wind of our approach." eventually, the general had caved, and allowed sg-1 special dispensation to wear the pink outfits on this particular mission. as a funny joke, just before they went through the gate, personnel filed in dancing like the spice girls as "spice up your life" was pumped through the speakers and balloons were dropped from the ceiling. it was a party on that day as they travelled to catheteria.