bv: "don't you hate it when, uh, you're trying to take a dump and the tv's all, `woah!! dude!! it's the perma-flush 4000!! only on tv!! and only right NOW!!!!!!!! (operators are standing by...)` so you get all confused and you flush, and like, diarrhea shoots up your butt?"
bh: "dude, you're so stupid. huh huh...you, like, just said you like to take that emo girl from school up your anus... huh huh huh... i said anus..."
bv: "oh! look! it's that billy mays guy. didn't he die? like, wasn't he hunting crocodiles with that steve kirwin guy in the phillipines and got sucked up by some aliens by his nads?"
bh: "uh... yeah. i think you're totally right for once, beavis. let's watch pbs. i wanna see some lions do it... huh huh..."
bv: "yeah! yeah!"
bh: "um... cool. that black hole thing looks like your mom's bunghole... look at all the donut crumbs circling around it like a cosmic flush..."
bv: "what if you, uh, flushed the earth and the stars down a big toilet, and, um, it went so fast that it spun all around and make your face poopy?"
bh: "you'd still look better than that hennifer yo-pez chick."
bv: "dude, that guy looks like he's bernie mac's dorky cousin."
bh: "hmm... the tv guide says this show is about asstronomy and psychics. cool! we can learn how to get lots of butts for our future!"
bv: "look, butthead -- there's a university nearby that has a psychics convention today. woah! free beer!"
bh: "beavis, we're about to see... the future."
--
bh: "woah... all these guys are in tweed suits and stuff. and what's with all the bowties?"
bv: "they look like those vastriloquismer dudes from olden times."
loudspeaker: "the lecture from doctor kip thorne on cosmology and astral physics for beginners is starting in boulware hall, room 23, through the double metal doors."
bv: "rad. and look at all this candy!"
bh: "yeah. and they're going to be talking about cosmo and stuff. we're gonna get so many hot chicks..."
kt: "today, i'm going to be showing you some of the wonders of the universe. cosmology includes the study of the big bang, how the universe began. and astral physics combines most of the physics disciplines into one look at the big picture of what's happening in our home."
bv: "the big bang theory? i like that show. i really identify with that howard guy. he has cool pants, and like, his girlfriend has huge knockers."
bh: "yeah, but leonard is banging that waitress chick. and he never got his dick caught in a robotic hand on his toilet made for jacking off his weiner! huh huh... draining his weasel..."
bv: "heh heh! like, um, i'll drain his weasel with my weasel's asstronomy power of cosmockery!"
kt: "black holes are a wonderful astronomical phenomenon. when matter approaches a black hole, it is drawn to it incredibly hard, and falls in. no one knows what happens inside a black hole, but nothing that goes in ever comes out we think."
bh: "woah... it is like your mom's ass..."
bv: "at least my mom cleans her ass! your mom's panties have, like, peanuts and corn and sloths and computers and..."
bh: "shut up, dillhole! i wanna hear about the ass-tronomical psychics..."
kt: "...and through future research, man may yet enter a black hole and discover it's wonders. ok. that's all i have planned to start with. let's take some questions now. yes... the man in the ac/dc shirt."
bh: "uh... so, can you predict the future?"
kt: "to a large extent, yes! by examining all the variables around you, you can figure out how objects will move and react to their environment."
bh: "cool! so, like, do psychic majors in college get all the sorority chicks?"
[laughter in the crowd]
kt: "no, no... many women love physicists, but to some we are too nerdy."
bh: "uh, ok. cool. thanks, dude."
bv: "uh, can i ask a question too?"
kt: "yes, my boy. my, it's good to see such young people interested in science. what would you like to know?"
bv: "so, like, um, if i were to fall into a black hole, and like, the universe had a distortion pedal on like `nyeerrrr, nyeerrrrr, nyahhhhhhhh!!` could i get bounced out of the black hole and back in, and like, wouldn't that feel really good?"
kt: "that might be possible. my, you are good with these equations and ideas, aren't you? if you were gently being thrown back and forth away from the event horizon, it might expand and contract you and feel like you were getting a massage or a chiropractic adjustment."
bv: "cool... boioioioioingggg!"
--
bh: "hey, beavis... i'm wasted..."
bv: "me too... uh... my bunghole feels like a dillhole... like, it's been pickled by this beer..."
bh: "psychics are cool... we learned about ass-tronomy and black holes in space... my weiner wants a fat torus..."
girl: "hi, guys. i couldn't help but notice you in the room... you guys seem to really love physics, and your rock and roll shirts are awesome. i was going to go get some pizza. would you guys like to come along and hang out with me?"
bh: "(hey, beavis... this girl wants us to touch her thingies...)"
bv: "uh... hey, miss good-lookin'. uh... we'd love to have pizza with you."
girl: "great! we can talk about black holes... and how i'd like to show you mine... ;)"
bv+bh: "WOAH!!"
--
FIN
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