bv: "don't you hate it when, uh, you're trying to take a dump and the tv's all, `woah!! dude!! it's the perma-flush 4000!! only on tv!! and only right NOW!!!!!!!! (operators are standing by...)` so you get all confused and you flush, and like, diarrhea shoots up your butt?"
bh: "dude, you're so stupid. huh huh...you, like, just said you like to take that emo girl from school up your anus... huh huh huh... i said anus..."
bv: "oh! look! it's that billy mays guy. didn't he die? like, wasn't he hunting crocodiles with that steve kirwin guy in the phillipines and got sucked up by some aliens by his nads?"
bh: "uh... yeah. i think you're totally right for once, beavis. let's watch pbs. i wanna see some lions do it... huh huh..."
bv: "yeah! yeah!"
bh: "um... cool. that black hole thing looks like your mom's bunghole... look at all the donut crumbs circling around it like a cosmic flush..."
bv: "what if you, uh, flushed the earth and the stars down a big toilet, and, um, it went so fast that it spun all around and make your face poopy?"
bh: "you'd still look better than that hennifer yo-pez chick."
bv: "dude, that guy looks like he's bernie mac's dorky cousin."
bh: "hmm... the tv guide says this show is about asstronomy and psychics. cool! we can learn how to get lots of butts for our future!"
bv: "look, butthead -- there's a university nearby that has a psychics convention today. woah! free beer!"
bh: "beavis, we're about to see... the future."
--
bh: "woah... all these guys are in tweed suits and stuff. and what's with all the bowties?"
bv: "they look like those vastriloquismer dudes from olden times."
loudspeaker: "the lecture from doctor kip thorne on cosmology and astral physics for beginners is starting in boulware hall, room 23, through the double metal doors."
bv: "rad. and look at all this candy!"
bh: "yeah. and they're going to be talking about cosmo and stuff. we're gonna get so many hot chicks..."
kt: "today, i'm going to be showing you some of the wonders of the universe. cosmology includes the study of the big bang, how the universe began. and astral physics combines most of the physics disciplines into one look at the big picture of what's happening in our home."
bv: "the big bang theory? i like that show. i really identify with that howard guy. he has cool pants, and like, his girlfriend has huge knockers."
bh: "yeah, but leonard is banging that waitress chick. and he never got his dick caught in a robotic hand on his toilet made for jacking off his weiner! huh huh... draining his weasel..."
bv: "heh heh! like, um, i'll drain his weasel with my weasel's asstronomy power of cosmockery!"
kt: "black holes are a wonderful astronomical phenomenon. when matter approaches a black hole, it is drawn to it incredibly hard, and falls in. no one knows what happens inside a black hole, but nothing that goes in ever comes out we think."
bh: "woah... it is like your mom's ass..."
bv: "at least my mom cleans her ass! your mom's panties have, like, peanuts and corn and sloths and computers and..."
bh: "shut up, dillhole! i wanna hear about the ass-tronomical psychics..."
kt: "...and through future research, man may yet enter a black hole and discover it's wonders. ok. that's all i have planned to start with. let's take some questions now. yes... the man in the ac/dc shirt."
bh: "uh... so, can you predict the future?"
kt: "to a large extent, yes! by examining all the variables around you, you can figure out how objects will move and react to their environment."
bh: "cool! so, like, do psychic majors in college get all the sorority chicks?"
[laughter in the crowd]
kt: "no, no... many women love physicists, but to some we are too nerdy."
bh: "uh, ok. cool. thanks, dude."
bv: "uh, can i ask a question too?"
kt: "yes, my boy. my, it's good to see such young people interested in science. what would you like to know?"
bv: "so, like, um, if i were to fall into a black hole, and like, the universe had a distortion pedal on like `nyeerrrr, nyeerrrrr, nyahhhhhhhh!!` could i get bounced out of the black hole and back in, and like, wouldn't that feel really good?"
kt: "that might be possible. my, you are good with these equations and ideas, aren't you? if you were gently being thrown back and forth away from the event horizon, it might expand and contract you and feel like you were getting a massage or a chiropractic adjustment."
bv: "cool... boioioioioingggg!"
--
bh: "hey, beavis... i'm wasted..."
bv: "me too... uh... my bunghole feels like a dillhole... like, it's been pickled by this beer..."
bh: "psychics are cool... we learned about ass-tronomy and black holes in space... my weiner wants a fat torus..."
girl: "hi, guys. i couldn't help but notice you in the room... you guys seem to really love physics, and your rock and roll shirts are awesome. i was going to go get some pizza. would you guys like to come along and hang out with me?"
bh: "(hey, beavis... this girl wants us to touch her thingies...)"
bv: "uh... hey, miss good-lookin'. uh... we'd love to have pizza with you."
girl: "great! we can talk about black holes... and how i'd like to show you mine... ;)"
bv+bh: "WOAH!!"
--
FIN
20140402
fargate - ch 2
it was a normal trip through the gate from the sgc to the library on catheteria. daniel had gotten a head-start on the translation by using an ancient jump drive. apparently, the catheters had been allies of the 5 races and had compatible technologies in addition to the stargate. while going through the archives, daniel also discovered they were the race who had destroyed themselves due to receiving tollin technology. it had been quickly intercepted and enhanced by retoo operatives who wiped out the civilization. inadvertantly, the radiation waves had activated every force-field security device in the city, trapping and killing the retoo, and blocking gate travel for a few hundred years.
vala was interested by the rooms dedicated to the wraith. while discouraged by the other races, the catheters had found a way to get along with the wraith, and had even had a wraith president who went by the name of brian standeford. his tenure was long, as he proved to be impossible to coerce. brian had discovered as a child that the vicious targ-like pigdog on the planet was easily capable of sustaining a wraith's life, and all wraith allied with the inhabitants had easy and fulfilling lives. the catheter wraith were very fond of playing keyboards and made gothy music that often sounded very much like a screechier version of joy division or bauhaus. brian himself was a drummer.
the catheters were big fans of graphic art and poster art. they loved to cut up each others' pictures and posters to create new works of glory and beauty. they had almost all been preserved, as had pretty much everything except for the citizens and guests. the cities themselves were works of art, shimmering and glistening like a t-rex concert.
as the city was now crawling with tourists, sg-1 decided to venture out into the country using the local beasts of burden known as roughriders. the roughrider beasts were about the size of a pony but shaped more like a cheetah with green spots and three soft horns. they sped out of the city on special trails made specifically for the roughriders and headed to a spot on the map labeled "whiskey dick", a ridge shaped like a boner.
fargate - ch 1
vala had always wanted to go to atlantis. she finally got her wish on april 11th, 2014 when the spaceship landry entered the atmosphere and she gave a big hug to samantha carter. now at the end of the trip, heading back abord the landry, she reflected on her time with the humans. she looked like one of them, she felt like one of them, she loved the kardashians and watching access hollywood (especially that fox, lara spencer). recently, she'd been reading up on asgard technology, as she herself found few missions or friends with the asgard. thor found her amusing, and never minded bailing her out. once he even got her out of jail after she snuck out of cheyenne mountain for a snack and ended up pissing off a cop by refusing to stop jaywalking across a freeway. she found the asgard language easy to read, and she liked the way the words flowed softly even in bright light. currently she was reading about the ancient asgard, wotan, and his fascination for an earth composer named richard wagner.
opera wasn't something she liked much, but she'd been listening to wagner non-stop during her asgard reading, and found herself enjoying the music more and more. she also remembered a porn she saw starring velicity von and audrey hollander that was a take off on "the ring" called "the stinky pink ring" about primarily buttsex. while she saved her great love for buttsex for special people only, she greatly enjoyed earth porn. the goa'uld had nothing like it, and her people hadn't had very detailed or modern video recording equipment. she'd amassed quite a few terrabytes, as the sgc had the fattest of pipes and didn't give a damn about us copyright law.
back at the sgc, she kept reading about music and art in asgard society, and she wondered about the extent of wraith music in the pegasus galaxy. she'd heard wraith screams remixed with some ethosian beats that was really awesome, and she'd snuck to dr dre on her last misadventure in compton. thankfully, she was mistaken for an undercover ke$ha, and her accent was pegged as a fake australian one. her rendition of "tik tok" was perfect, and she ended up winning a date with iggy pop for her performance. iggy had guest starred in an episode of "star trek: deep space 9", and his oddly-high security clearance allowed him to go through the gate with vala a few times. everywhere they went, he sang "the passenger" and "lust for life", and drew huge crowds. taurii music was sweeping the universe, and the jaffa were spearheading the movement to take earth artists to secret shows offworld where they were told it was a costume party and thus didn't notice the weird aliens.
her favorite asgard artist drew pictures of cats from various worlds, often in silly positions or doing ridiculous things. "thor with kittens" was her current favorite and her desktop walpaper on her asus laptop. it featured the famous statesman reclining on an enormous asgard lioness, with special glow-striped kittens from the pegasus galaxy flopped on him. the picture as an homage to burt renolyds, particularly the portrait she once saw in a seattle eatery called zayda buddy's where he's reclining on a bearskin rug and has the rug strategically covering his private parts. it's absolutely fantastic.
vala's art was ok, but very derivative. she most often got that her paintings looked like jacob lawrence or david hockney, and her reliance on fish-eye lenses made her photographs super-ridiculous. music was a slightly better field for vala, but her adhd nature made for completely manic soups of lound banging and honking. teal'c was her biggest fan. he enjoyed her art completely, and had his entire apartment outfitted with it. he listened to her music almost exclusively, and was always trying to catapult her to super-stardom across the worlds.
fame had proven elusive for our raven-haired heroine. she was still wanted in so many systems that she constantly had to watch her back, and usually had armies of spies and counter-spies following her and reporting on her activity. her primary line of defense was her blog, and a pair of holographic generators. one would mask her identity, and the other would create a fake image of her that would shop and cruise around very visibly. she was so pissed that cameron mitchell had become a martial arts superstar, teal'c a veritable playboy, and daniel a spiritual guru to billions. under the moniker "val mulder" she'd successfully become a comic book writer, and often worked with grant morrison and as a ghost-writer on deadpool and wolverine.
the next mission was supposed to be a recon one, heavy on the archaeology. they'd found a new civilization on a planet that was a hilarious parody of narn, klingon, and sasquatch mythology. it had a large focus on law, and the stargate was placed in the great library of the capitol city. they appeared to die via neutron-like radiation. all beings with higher thought capacity were gone, and teal'c believed them to be called the "the catheters" as they were referred to in silly stories jaffa children were told at fighting camp. they had created a type of music strongly similar to 70s rock and roll, and had fought off the goa'uld for generations by dressing like ziggy stardust and mimicing goa'uld powers that implied them to be tok'ra.
the request for pink variations of the bdus had not been rejected outright, as the air force was becoming more lax and permissive when it came to gate travel and dress style. teal'c enjoyed the pink uniform, again sticking by vala's wacky ideas as he always did. "teal'c, do you really want to wear bright pink in a warzone?" asked daniel. "indeed" he answered. "our missions rarely take us into dangerous situations, daniel jackson, and most of our enemies run from us the minute they get wind of our approach." eventually, the general had caved, and allowed sg-1 special dispensation to wear the pink outfits on this particular mission. as a funny joke, just before they went through the gate, personnel filed in dancing like the spice girls as "spice up your life" was pumped through the speakers and balloons were dropped from the ceiling. it was a party on that day as they travelled to catheteria.
fargate - intro
the sgc was a different place than it was even a few years ago. ever since cameron mitchell got the band back together, it's been a wild ride of adventure and hospitality. everyone in the universe had heard about how we'd whipped the goa'uld, freed the mighty jaffa, tamed atlantis, hitched a ride abord destiny, and built a fleet of asgard-powered starships that could whip the lucien alliance out of existence. not even the replicators could touch the taurii.
a misfit, a former goa'uld sytem lord allied with camulas and baal, vala mal doran could get away with anything. she met sg-1 disguised in anubus supersoldier armor, transporting everyone off the ship except for daniel jackson, who she toyed with for hours before he finally bested her. a few months later she showed up again to sell some information to the humans. she was accepted, and ended up joining sg-1, providing some very ridiculous elements to the team. thanks to an ori artifact, she was transported to a far-away galaxy and bore a child who was the embodiment of the ori. she has never wavered in her devotion to the humans who took her in.
feltcher in the pie - introduction
moltar, tad, and zorak were not exactly friends, but they worked together very well. moltar was the director at the controls of the show. tad was the host. zorak was the band leader. moltar was made entirely of lava inside of a red and grey suit. he had a deep voice and was closest to zorak. he and zorak had met as evil villans in the 1960s. they both used to fight tad, but he captured them. zorak was a large, green mantis who always wore vests but never any pants. tad wore a pantsuit and a cape.
in the 1990s, tad had somehow captured zorak and moltar and got them to work for him. they weren't paid, they weren't allowed to leave, but tad took them around for adventures all the time and let them talk to the guests. the show was eventually cancelled, but most people shown the show loved it.
tad flew further into space, exploring holodeck programming and stars from other galaxies. moltar and zorak, however, decided to come to earth. specifically, they wanted to visit texas thanks to "walker, texas ranger". texas was a fine place for them, as texans are used to large bugs, and don't mind lava people encased in gigantic metal suits. they touched down in their spacecraft in irving, texas outside of dallas.
hi
welcome to my new writing blog. i'll be trying to post as much as possible, with short stories, episodes for serial stories, and articles. i welcome your feedback.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)